Parenting setup

Let’s talk setup. What happens if a relationship breaks down, and you have a mortgage, and two children, you’re a stay home mum……. What would you do?


I think for a lot of people, they will look at us and ask “… So what’s the plan?”. It’s unusual, yes, but we have an unusual situation. We are friends!
I know, I know, shocking!

In our relationship, we had drifted apart. We no longer had a romantic love connection, but being friends has never been a problem for us. So our current plan is to live together and raise our girls. We have separate rooms and have separated some days to spend with the kids but we share our home and chores and parenting.

Yes, it will not be forever. For now, this works. We both get to see our girls everyday, we both get time to socialise and our children are safe and happy. Win win.

There is no size fits all. Be free to do things your own way to suit yourselves.

I worry that society has imprinted this scenario that no matter what mums have the kids. So if the relationship breaks down, we should just pack up and leave with them.Β  What if you have no where to go? Should we stay and pretend we are a happy family to the outside for the kids? Should we leave our kids with their dad and leave the unhappy home? There are other options and it is down to the individuals to decide. Not society or nosey Jane from down the street.

It’s my life

Something that has struck me since my separation, is how some people….. Hide it.

I find this really unsettling. This decision is something I myself have battled with for 12months. I have been in turmoil with the idea. I was worried about my children, my family, his family…. How will they take the news. I also had no real idea if he was on the same page as me. I suppressed and suppressed my feelings. I tried to put the thought out of my head. I tried to tell myself I was in a bad place and that it would get better……. But it didn’t.This life decision is mine. Not anyone else’s. Its how I feel that matters.
You cannot live your life worrying about how you may upset other people, if you are unhappy. You deserve to be living your life full of happiness. It’s a huge change, yes, but if it’s right for you, it must be done. Anyone going through anything similar, be brave. Deep down I knew! I knew what was making me unhappy, as much as I didn’t want to say, and nobody wanted to listen. I knew!
The moment I accepted my feeling and said it out loud, a cloud lifted away from me, I could see light. I knew this was the right path. I am lucky that me and my ex are friends that is something we have always been and I think our connection is a deep friendship. This is what will help us work together for our children and in time I hope that we can be happy for each other when we find people that complete the other half of our lives. …… But for now…
It is not a secret, I am not ashamed. We gave it our all and had 12 years together. Yes, we had not long been married, but would I be getting the same reaction if we had married after 4 years together?! We’d have been married 8years then…….?… Silly!
Judgement of others is not going to get me down again. I know why there is a fear of judgement from our families, but at the end of the day, whos business is it? OURS!
I am moving forward and feeling happy.  Time to take control. Its my life after all.

#myownpath

Relationships

So…… Let’s talk relationships.
If you are among those who suffer with some form of depression, anxiety etc, you may have noticed…… It kinda takes its toll on your current relationships.

This is something I have actually avoided writing about, as it’s private, and wasn’t public knowledge within our family and friends circle.

I feel its something that will happen to a lot of other people…… And also stemmedΒ  my other posts. (mum gulit and judgement).

Lets begin….. During my pregnancy I was quite poorly, and I think my partner felt…. Powerless. He didn’t know how to help, or what to do or say, so he took over as much as he could with the house chores, and taking care of our eldest daughter. (was fantastic) but this left a hole where we didn’t see each other, because I was always in bed, and he didn’t talk to me because he just didn’t know what to say, because words couldn’t help πŸ€·πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ (I’m guessing)
So this hole grew and grew.

Roll forward…….
Im mum of two girls, stay at home mum, with a not so strong partnership with my other half.
I think for a lot of couples this can be fixed. By Seeking help from doctors, friends and family, because although some issues are medical, a lot of the problems may require time together. (super easy with 2 tiny people in the house)


Unfortunately for us, this part of our lives changed both of us a lot, and we’re different people on the other side.

Remember there is no such thing as normal. It is your life, it can look however you want it to. Try to ignore the judgement from others, and find a path that suits your family. It’s not always perfect, but for us, our unusual set up works, and the kids are happy. Which at the end of the day is what is important πŸ™‚

*Stay tuned for the Next posts…. My new situation opens up research into the world of online dating πŸ˜‚ and parental set ups 😘

Judgement

In this world everyone has the right to judge you, or do they? Why do we give other people the power to have even a slither of control in what we do with our lives?

I have come to realise a lot of people live unhappy because “what would they think”, or “what would they say” is the norm.

Who actually cares!! I know we all do a little… But we really need to hit a point where we realise if you live like that, will you ever be happy?

It’s time to be brave and to take control. What other people think doesn’t matter. They see what you show them. Let’s face it, people only see the pretty shop window of you, so really should be not be given an opinion. You could be in the darkest time of your life but walk around with a smile on your face, so the people you see (and listen to) have a false sense of your life.

Be honest with yourself and then with others. Life is short, don’t waste it trying to appease others. So go it alone with your choices.

Fear, crisis or happiness?

Today I wanted to talk about an observation. I have had these feelings, I have hidden these feelings, I have faked the smile and carried on with these feelings, but I have realised, I am not alone.

The more I talk about my troubles, the more research I do and forums I visit, it is evident, everyone is going through something. Usually the same fears or thoughts but different triggers and situations.

I was recently talking to a friend about an article she had read about turning 30. It was saying that this generation seems to have the most issues when they hit 30. Maybe it’s due to the influence of social media? We are the most connected we have ever been yet lack the skills to communicate with one another. It’s a lonely place. (que, early mid-life crisis?)

I think growing up, there was this thing, that by the time you were 30 you should have it all figured out, and then at the time of turning 30 you question where you are at, the decisions you have made, anything you should have done, should have or vice versa.

As I say, we all have diffent triggers, your age may not be yours. It wasn’t mine. Still, I suddenly was hit by a metaphorical truck of suppressed thoughts and feelings, and was forced to sift through and make life changing decisions. There was a lot of realisation as to how far I had come in neutral and had not really been emotionally conscious of my decisions. This was not OK. I did not want to carry on like this. I was unhappy. I had not realised it before, but this was the truth. So now fear – what do I do now? What will people think?

Major realisation for me….. I like to keep people happy and so don’t always make the best decisions for myself. The fear of them not agreeing with my decision. keep calm, and carry on had never made so much sense to me (carry on in neutral) BUT this is my life!!

Pilates

Ready for class πŸ€Έβ€β™€οΈπŸ’ͺ

January is slowly passing, and I am feeling positive.

Best decision to try a new class this year. Pilates has definitely helped me. Not only to feel better in my body, but mind aswell. I have one class per week but have taken on doing a mini version a couple extra mornings in the week, to stretch out my body and clear my head. Would recommend to everyone.

As for other hobbies, iv not yet begun. I still really want to do some sort of photography but need a few items to get me on my way. So…. Shopping list created.

But also, taking I spiration from my bestie over at Findlay family, I’m going to alphabet date… Myself.

I’m creating a list of things to do, that iv never done or want to try and have this year to work my way through. Positive vibes!! This year is for loving me and finding me. Good luck on your 2020 journey 😁

This year so far…

So the first week of January has come and gone, the Christmas tree is out on the street for the bin man, and the house is beginning to look respectable again. (aside of the work still to be done)

For this year, I have decided to spend more time focusing on me. I don’t mean hair nails and silly luxurious treats. I mean my well being, my mental health. So first on my list is hobbies.

I am going to take up pilates and photography.(if I can get a camera)

One of these for my body the other for my mind and creativity.

Will keep you updated how this goes ofcourse. I have had my first pilates class already, and I must say…… Was really enjoyable. After only just one class my body feels lighter and I felt energised. I’m feeling positive.

I am definitely on the right path 😁

Hello 2020

So this year…. Has not been the best for me. Tonight…. I am sat here feeling pretty crappy. I am sure a lot of the people are the same, probably worse, but I am reflecting on me. I need to be a little selfish here……. Sorry!

It has been an up hill battle, most days. Its been hard to not be able to explain well enough to the people around me how iv felt. Its been hard to not be able to act on my thoughts…. Because, I don’t know what I want. Its been hard to just get on with my day to day. I have felt tapped and isolated and lost. Then to feel like I may getting somewhere… To have everything fall apart again. Ce la vie

At the end of 2019, I don’t know who I am anymore, so how can I know what I want?!

This new year I will act. I will let my heart and feelings guide me. I won’t over think every tiny thing. I’ll enjoy the moments, they are what is real.

I won’t care what people will think or what they will say. I will just let ME out. Let me find myself, love myself and improve myself.

Everyone’s goal…. To Live you’re best life.

So I want to do that, not fake it! I want to do it!

2020….. Please be kind to me.

Happy new year to you all. I hope you all find what you are looking for 😘😘

Personal update

So lately i have been super busy. I do this a lot to myself. Possibly a coping mechanism for when I am overwhelmed with negative feelings, I throw myself into a new project. Keep busy, it will all go away, mentality, I’m sure. Nether the less, I moved house, I moved areas, county even. I have moved back home.

I had recently been visiting a Councillor, and she had said that making a life changing decision, now, was not a great idea. The problem with that, is that this idea had already been in my head, plans were happening, but I kept discussing it all like it wasn’t final. Nothing is, you see. Although the decision was made, I agonised over it for weeks. Making the plans, but questioning them too. This is a massive move. It needed to be thought about from all angles.

Thankfully, I’m glad I did. The situation may not be perfect, but I am where I want to be. Coming back to my roots has made a massive difference for me. I think being mum can trap you, so being near family is perfect. I have more freedom to “pop out” in the evening. I can feel changes, and I feel happy.

It’s OK, to NOT be OK.

Recently we had mental awareness week, which I think is great. It is very important to educate people who do not suffer that there are people who do and it is not always visable, but it is there, and its OK.

I’m not sure if I’m alone when I say…. It Bull#@Β£#!

What this means is… It is OK that you don’t feel ok. It is OK that you are suffering, it is OK to get help…

But not okay to talk about it to anyone 🀫

For myself, I know I’m suffering, I know I need help, and I know it will get better… Eventually. That’s OK.

But when I try to talk about how I feel with people around me, family or friends, it not OK. In my mind the more people know, the more they will understand me and accept that somedays I need to be alone, or I am not myself. This is so wrong! The more I have tried to explain what’s going on in my head, the more the people around me have tried to advise me……

  • Just snap out of it
  • Try harder
  • Stop making excuses
  • Don’t you think we’ve all been there
  • It is hard having children
  • Just get out
  • Just go make more friends
  • You shouldn’t be leaving your kids

Thankyou… But honestly, do you think you’re helping?

Judging me (not advising) is not helpful.

Im just trying to survive, I am just trying to find moments of peace. It is an illness, I am not in control. I CANNOT JUST STOP IT.

So to everyone that isn’t OK. It is OK to feel this way, but choose who you talk to. Not everyone needs to know or understand. Seek a Councillor or your doctor or that one supportive friend.

Not everyone will get it, But it’s OK.

You will be OK xx