1st step

My first step of taking back the control of my life, was making the decision to work from home.

The anxiety and stress I felt about going back to work, the guilt that I needed to bring money into the home, but torn because I want to be with my kids, but torn again when I have days where I wasn’t copying so well. It’s hard work with two (who knew?!)

This was most definitely the right decision for me. I can work when I want, when hubby is home and can just do a few clients a day, taking as long as I like. (I’m a hairdresser). This took a lot of pressure off me. Especially as I was planning Christmas and our wedding at the same time, my head felt like it was going to explode with all the decisions.

I now feel I’m contributing without having the added stress of being away from my babies for long hours, and no time restraints on my work and creativity, nobody controlling me. This was a step in the right direction.

I moved the girls to share a room, so I could use the back room for my work/office. I love re-arranging rooms, and was so cute to have them in together. I’m hoping this will help with their sisterly bond too. I’m sure any of you reading with kids will know how quickly they grow, so how often we need to sort through the clothes, what to keep, donate or bin. It’s never ending especially adding in the pile of hand-me downs too.

Im terrible though. I can’t focus on one job at a time. My mind jumps from jobs In all rooms all over the house. Hence my foggy cluttered head that never gets cleared as I can never finish anything. I need more training on the tools, and I’m sure nothing to do with having two little people needing my attention all day either. Haha.

So the reason for this blog.

To make me focus, and concentrate my head and my time to one job at a time so I can document it all for you lovely lot. (maybe on my youtube channel ?) My hope being this will help me over come the overwhelming circling list of jobs in my head. And fingers crossed it does something for baby brain too. (I cannot remember a thing)

So where shall I start ?

It’s NOT a Dirty Word

Post-natal Depression.

The explanation I was given to why I felt the way I felt. so stuck, so trapped, so tired, so overwhelmed, so blinded, so sad, so lazy, so lonely, so isolated, so antisocial…. (the list could go on.)

The fix? Antidepressants. They have helped me through, but they will not fix me

I think post natal depression is a term used when they can’t explain what’s happening. Us women are amazing. Look at what our bodies go through to create life. Is it any wonder our heads get a little foggy after?

Our bodies change, our minds change, our lives now have to change, our goals change, our purpose is now changed, our ambition changes. (maybe not for everyone, but for me)

So now I’m struggling through all these changes, which trigger new thoughts, new goals, new realisations, new doubts and my head is dizzy buzzing about 100mph 24/7.

So don’t be ashamed of this term. We need to Own it, and talk about it. Of course I can say this now, coming out the other side (just about) but I wouldn’t have back then. It means different things to different people, and everyone experiences it differently. The same as everyone has different ideas of what it means, but who cares what people think. They don’t know. It’s something Inside ME. It’s not my kids, my husband, my mum or anything else. This is mine.

Talking to my friends, and other mums is what has helped me get through this year.

You know who you are and I am so thankful to have you in my life. ❤

Im not going to go In to massive details about my depression. Its not really what I want this blog to be about. I just felt, the reason behind starting this blog should be known. I need to get this all out, so I can move forward.

So during my year of struggling through, just going through the motions, and fighting for air. I have had moments of reflection.

What do I want to do now? where do I want to work? can I work? What makes me unhappy? What can I change?

The moment of clarity – only I can change these things. OMG!

So little by little, I’m clearing through the Clutter in my head. Whether it’s work, bedrooms, kids toys, home improvement, wardrobe, garden…… The list goes on.

So now I take control. Im sorting. I’m making changes. I’m finding my path

I will find my happiness!

(and be Clutter free in the process. -Mind and home)

Before the Clutter.

Over the past 12-18 months I have Been on quite a journey, and not an entirely pleasant one.

Let’s start at the beginning………

November 2017 I had just started a new job, and soon I found out I was pregnant for the 2nd time.

We were thrilled. Eliza, our first born, had been our world and so we’re very excited to be giving her a brother or sister.

This pregnancy was entirely different. My first had been a breeze, I had felt like wonder woman and enjoyed every second. This one I suffered. I was feeling drained from the very beginning and spending most of my time in bed. It was soon discovered I had an iron deficiency, and was very low in feretin, my iron stores. I was always dizzy, constant nausea, and feeling faint. It wasn’t too long that I then had to be signed off work, as I couldn’t stand for even an hour. (not great for a hairdresser)

Jump forward. June 13th 2018, she arrived. Another beautiful baby girl. I was overwhelmed with love all over again, my heart was full, she was perfect, and I was so proud to have brought her into the world. This day was heavenly. Baby Adelyn.

The weeks to follow my health once again was not so great. I was even struggling with feeding this time around. I was so sore I couldn’t bare to be touched, I couldn’t hold my baby and i couldn’t cuddle my eldest. I just felt like a failure. Surrounded by visitors, I had never felt so Alone.

  …… And so it began. The clouds came in and my mind cluttered.

This part of my life is labelled POST NATAL DEPRESSION.