Who am I now?

This has been a tough week. Its very hard to sort through my thoughts sometimes and give you lovely people an insight that makes sense.

This week iv been thinking about ME. This is something a lot of mums don’t do much. I am now so many things to different people… A friend, daughter, mum, wife, sister, hairdresser, therapist (ha!) but who am I to me?

Who do I want to be?

At the moment I feel the post natal depression is defining me. I got to a point where I am being open about it, but now realising that not everyone knows how to take it. It’s the reason I give for not calling back, not being in touch, not going to that catch up or picnic…… When it has hold of me, I am not in control! I am split in two.

I hate it. I want to be socialable, I want to take my kids to their play dates, or family bbqs or friends houses, but sometimes, I just can’t.

I think the main thing people need to know about post natal depression, is that it is a depression. It’s not necessarily child related. It’s not in my case, it has been the trigger to my mind scrambling up, but that’s not Why I’m depressed.

It’s a struggle to understand why I’m feeling like this.

I have visited the doctor again last week and she has told me, unless I change, I won’t get better. Unless I find ME again, I won’t get better. I need to rediscover myself, to get better.

So the question

Who am I now?

The darkness

I didn’t originally start this blog to talk about depression, but as a way to overcome it. My theory was declutter my house, clear my mind, which does work…….

But the darkness does sneak back in.

I have had messages from women, thanking me for sharing my post natal depression experience. I have now decided that I will share all parts of my journey, in the hope to raise awareness and help others like me.

I have been quiet on my blog lately, and that is because my PND showed its head again. This makes me want to close off from everyone and everything. Wasn’t great timing either with the school holidays starting. {preschool finished 2weeks earlier than most schools}. Here I was, with both girls, school holidays, no clubs on and my family away, just feeling like I want to curl into a ball and hide.

It’s been a tough couple of weeks, iv really had to force myself to get out. Just walk to the park or in the woods or just the garden. Being outside helps. Alot! In times like this I know that visiting a friend or my sister will help but its a battle with myself to make me do it. Ridiculous really, but nevertheless, it’s a real emotional battle.

I need to remind myself people will help me out of this fog, and although my innerself is telling me to go crawl back under the duvet, and hide from everyone and everything. This behaviour only makes me feel Worse and the depression gets a stronger grasp on me, making the fight all so much harder. The key is Talk talk and talk some more. Easier said than done, but true!