This year so far…

So the first week of January has come and gone, the Christmas tree is out on the street for the bin man, and the house is beginning to look respectable again. (aside of the work still to be done)

For this year, I have decided to spend more time focusing on me. I don’t mean hair nails and silly luxurious treats. I mean my well being, my mental health. So first on my list is hobbies.

I am going to take up pilates and photography.(if I can get a camera)

One of these for my body the other for my mind and creativity.

Will keep you updated how this goes ofcourse. I have had my first pilates class already, and I must say…… Was really enjoyable. After only just one class my body feels lighter and I felt energised. I’m feeling positive.

I am definitely on the right path ?

Hello 2020

So this year…. Has not been the best for me. Tonight…. I am sat here feeling pretty crappy. I am sure a lot of the people are the same, probably worse, but I am reflecting on me. I need to be a little selfish here……. Sorry!

It has been an up hill battle, most days. Its been hard to not be able to explain well enough to the people around me how iv felt. Its been hard to not be able to act on my thoughts…. Because, I don’t know what I want. Its been hard to just get on with my day to day. I have felt tapped and isolated and lost. Then to feel like I may getting somewhere… To have everything fall apart again. Ce la vie

At the end of 2019, I don’t know who I am anymore, so how can I know what I want?!

This new year I will act. I will let my heart and feelings guide me. I won’t over think every tiny thing. I’ll enjoy the moments, they are what is real.

I won’t care what people will think or what they will say. I will just let ME out. Let me find myself, love myself and improve myself.

Everyone’s goal…. To Live you’re best life.

So I want to do that, not fake it! I want to do it!

2020….. Please be kind to me.

Happy new year to you all. I hope you all find what you are looking for ??

Personal update

So lately i have been super busy. I do this a lot to myself. Possibly a coping mechanism for when I am overwhelmed with negative feelings, I throw myself into a new project. Keep busy, it will all go away, mentality, I’m sure. Nether the less, I moved house, I moved areas, county even. I have moved back home.

I had recently been visiting a Councillor, and she had said that making a life changing decision, now, was not a great idea. The problem with that, is that this idea had already been in my head, plans were happening, but I kept discussing it all like it wasn’t final. Nothing is, you see. Although the decision was made, I agonised over it for weeks. Making the plans, but questioning them too. This is a massive move. It needed to be thought about from all angles.

Thankfully, I’m glad I did. The situation may not be perfect, but I am where I want to be. Coming back to my roots has made a massive difference for me. I think being mum can trap you, so being near family is perfect. I have more freedom to “pop out” in the evening. I can feel changes, and I feel happy.

It’s OK, to NOT be OK.

Recently we had mental awareness week, which I think is great. It is very important to educate people who do not suffer that there are people who do and it is not always visable, but it is there, and its OK.

I’m not sure if I’m alone when I say…. It Bull#@£#!

What this means is… It is OK that you don’t feel ok. It is OK that you are suffering, it is OK to get help…

But not okay to talk about it to anyone ?

For myself, I know I’m suffering, I know I need help, and I know it will get better… Eventually. That’s OK.

But when I try to talk about how I feel with people around me, family or friends, it not OK. In my mind the more people know, the more they will understand me and accept that somedays I need to be alone, or I am not myself. This is so wrong! The more I have tried to explain what’s going on in my head, the more the people around me have tried to advise me……

  • Just snap out of it
  • Try harder
  • Stop making excuses
  • Don’t you think we’ve all been there
  • It is hard having children
  • Just get out
  • Just go make more friends
  • You shouldn’t be leaving your kids

Thankyou… But honestly, do you think you’re helping?

Judging me (not advising) is not helpful.

Im just trying to survive, I am just trying to find moments of peace. It is an illness, I am not in control. I CANNOT JUST STOP IT.

So to everyone that isn’t OK. It is OK to feel this way, but choose who you talk to. Not everyone needs to know or understand. Seek a Councillor or your doctor or that one supportive friend.

Not everyone will get it, But it’s OK.

You will be OK xx

‘just’ a mum

I have missed quite a few weeks of blogs lately. I am sorry. The reasons being, it was school holidays and my mood being at an all time low. (bad timing).

I realise why I have this depression now. My mind does not always agree with my life. Similar to a duck, he looks peacefully swimming on the lake, but how hard is he really paddling under there….?

This is me! I look like I’m cruising through life, happy as Larry, but really my legs are paddling 100mph, and I just don’t seem to get very far ?

I’m a go do-er and the life of mum sometimes isn’t enough. It’s hard to ‘just‘ be mum. That term as well….. ‘just’ a mum. It isn’t a…. all I do is be a mum as a comparison to others. (assumed by most big career people) It’s a iv lost myself and I am now ‘just’ a mum. A description of ourselves. Does anyone realise that this term means, I’m never alone for a second 24hr 7days a week? Toilet-no! Shower-no! Sleep-no! I do Nothing alone. As mums, We are responsible for these little people, they are our world, all that matters. So I’m no longer Becky, I’m JUST mum, to my two beautiful girls. (and its blooming hard work) ?

My mind is not always happy about this realisation. It tells me to build something, create something achieve something new….change a room, upcyle furniture, learn a new skill…. But there is no time. My little people need ALL my time. I’m stuck with this constant pull in both directions…

So…. How can I just accept this? What will help? This is my next step. I need a balance. I need to let a little more Becky out, not ‘just‘ mum.

Guilt.

Why is motherhood one big roller-coaster of guilt? And we hide it all. All of it swallowing us up inside.

It’s often talked about. “mum guilt”, usually for leaving our children with anyone else (even their dad) , or wanting time to ourselves.

Why?!

This is horrible. This is my main catalyst of depression. I would like time to myself. GUILT. For not wanting to be with my children. Is it bad?

Spend the day, just playing with the children. GUILT. I should have done the laundry, cleaning and shopping and have dinner ready.

I get time to my self. GUILT . I should be cleaning or organising or cooking if I don’t have them. All I actually want to do is lounge on the sofa and watch crap on TV.

I arrange a girls night out. GUILT . Is my husband OK, the two girls are hard work, he doesn’t like being left with both of them.

Date night. GUILT . We’d better hurry home, it’s not fair on the sitter (grandparents or whoever) they are not their children… Blah blah blah

Why do i feel this way? It’s exhausting. Everyone deserves a balance right? Life should be a mix of work, play and family life. Yet I can’t get past this feeling. Everything I do, I feel GUILT .

Why can’t I just Relax??

Who?

Who am I now?

This has been a tough week. Its very hard to sort through my thoughts sometimes and give you lovely people an insight that makes sense.

This week iv been thinking about ME. This is something a lot of mums don’t do much. I am now so many things to different people… A friend, daughter, mum, wife, sister, hairdresser, therapist (ha!) but who am I to me?

Who do I want to be?

At the moment I feel the post natal depression is defining me. I got to a point where I am being open about it, but now realising that not everyone knows how to take it. It’s the reason I give for not calling back, not being in touch, not going to that catch up or picnic…… When it has hold of me, I am not in control! I am split in two.

I hate it. I want to be socialable, I want to take my kids to their play dates, or family bbqs or friends houses, but sometimes, I just can’t.

I think the main thing people need to know about post natal depression, is that it is a depression. It’s not necessarily child related. It’s not in my case, it has been the trigger to my mind scrambling up, but that’s not Why I’m depressed.

It’s a struggle to understand why I’m feeling like this.

I have visited the doctor again last week and she has told me, unless I change, I won’t get better. Unless I find ME again, I won’t get better. I need to rediscover myself, to get better.

So the question

Who am I now?

The darkness

I didn’t originally start this blog to talk about depression, but as a way to overcome it. My theory was declutter my house, clear my mind, which does work…….

But the darkness does sneak back in.

I have had messages from women, thanking me for sharing my post natal depression experience. I have now decided that I will share all parts of my journey, in the hope to raise awareness and help others like me.

I have been quiet on my blog lately, and that is because my PND showed its head again. This makes me want to close off from everyone and everything. Wasn’t great timing either with the school holidays starting. {preschool finished 2weeks earlier than most schools}. Here I was, with both girls, school holidays, no clubs on and my family away, just feeling like I want to curl into a ball and hide.

It’s been a tough couple of weeks, iv really had to force myself to get out. Just walk to the park or in the woods or just the garden. Being outside helps. Alot! In times like this I know that visiting a friend or my sister will help but its a battle with myself to make me do it. Ridiculous really, but nevertheless, it’s a real emotional battle.

I need to remind myself people will help me out of this fog, and although my innerself is telling me to go crawl back under the duvet, and hide from everyone and everything. This behaviour only makes me feel Worse and the depression gets a stronger grasp on me, making the fight all so much harder. The key is Talk talk and talk some more. Easier said than done, but true!

Floor beds

So iv been at it again. Jumped into another room without finishing the last…. But it couldn’t wait.

Adelyn is coming up 14 months but has recently started getting very unhappy when she is in her cot. She is very independent and is most definitely my little explorer, so being confined is not for her anymore.

Despite being a fab climber and explorer, and having just started walking, I don’t think she Is ready to climb down and out of a bed.

After having adelyn I was looking for ideas to help my eldest feel a bit special as she was my baby and is a real mummy’s girl. I stubble across montessori, and so many of the principles made sense to me. Even the idea of a floorbed. Why cage your baby? If the room is 100‰safe, why not let them explore? They don’t need to cry for someone to get her, she can independently get out of bed and entertain herself.

So for now…. I decided a floor bed makes so much sense. This also means though that my eldest needs to go on the floor too. They share a room, so I can’t let adelyn climb on to Eliza’s bed and fall. So I dismantled both the cot and Eliza’s bed, and had my handy husband cut the legs off the bed. We then put the feet back on and voila! A beautiful floor bed for Eliza. Adelyn is on the base of the cot, just with no sides, and a draught excluder underneath the mattress protector, just so when she is sleeping, she can feel where the bed ends, but she can crawl out of it no problem.

What do you think?

Change is coming…

Hi guys,

Sorry iv been quiet. iv been really busy. I jumped into the “enjoying moments”, and have been leaving my phone behind. It has been fantastic. We are really making the most of our time together. Planning little trips out as a family, rather than worrying about the house all weekend.

The rest of my time I have been making progress In The bedroom. If you follow me on Facebook, you would have seen a little snippet of my cupboard contents, all over my bed and floor. Arrgh! What a mess.

Anyway, I have been clearing out cupboards, organising the space, up cycling the furniture…… I am really getting stuck in. I ofcourse will still be stuck with the hiddious purple carpet for now (any cheap fix it ideas welcome), but the rest of our space will make me smile. Watch this space for the Finishing touches, and final reveal. Eeek!!! I’m getting so excited. Its really beginning to take shape. Horray!!