‘just’ a mum

I have missed quite a few weeks of blogs lately. I am sorry. The reasons being, it was school holidays and my mood being at an all time low. (bad timing).

I realise why I have this depression now. My mind does not always agree with my life. Similar to a duck, he looks peacefully swimming on the lake, but how hard is he really paddling under there….?

This is me! I look like I’m cruising through life, happy as Larry, but really my legs are paddling 100mph, and I just don’t seem to get very far 😞

I’m a go do-er and the life of mum sometimes isn’t enough. It’s hard to ‘just‘ be mum. That term as well….. ‘just’ a mum. It isn’t a…. all I do is be a mum as a comparison to others. (assumed by most big career people) It’s a iv lost myself and I am now ‘just’ a mum. A description of ourselves. Does anyone realise that this term means, I’m never alone for a second 24hr 7days a week? Toilet-no! Shower-no! Sleep-no! I do Nothing alone. As mums, We are responsible for these little people, they are our world, all that matters. So I’m no longer Becky, I’m JUST mum, to my two beautiful girls. (and its blooming hard work) 😁

My mind is not always happy about this realisation. It tells me to build something, create something achieve something new….change a room, upcyle furniture, learn a new skill…. But there is no time. My little people need ALL my time. I’m stuck with this constant pull in both directions…

So…. How can I just accept this? What will help? This is my next step. I need a balance. I need to let a little more Becky out, not ‘just‘ mum.

Guilt.

Why is motherhood one big roller-coaster of guilt? And we hide it all. All of it swallowing us up inside.

It’s often talked about. “mum guilt”, usually for leaving our children with anyone else (even their dad) , or wanting time to ourselves.

Why?!

This is horrible. This is my main catalyst of depression. I would like time to myself. GUILT. For not wanting to be with my children. Is it bad?

Spend the day, just playing with the children. GUILT. I should have done the laundry, cleaning and shopping and have dinner ready.

I get time to my self. GUILT . I should be cleaning or organising or cooking if I don’t have them. All I actually want to do is lounge on the sofa and watch crap on TV.

I arrange a girls night out. GUILT . Is my husband OK, the two girls are hard work, he doesn’t like being left with both of them.

Date night. GUILT . We’d better hurry home, it’s not fair on the sitter (grandparents or whoever) they are not their children… Blah blah blah

Why do i feel this way? It’s exhausting. Everyone deserves a balance right? Life should be a mix of work, play and family life. Yet I can’t get past this feeling. Everything I do, I feel GUILT .

Why can’t I just Relax??

Who?

Who am I now?

This has been a tough week. Its very hard to sort through my thoughts sometimes and give you lovely people an insight that makes sense.

This week iv been thinking about ME. This is something a lot of mums don’t do much. I am now so many things to different people… A friend, daughter, mum, wife, sister, hairdresser, therapist (ha!) but who am I to me?

Who do I want to be?

At the moment I feel the post natal depression is defining me. I got to a point where I am being open about it, but now realising that not everyone knows how to take it. It’s the reason I give for not calling back, not being in touch, not going to that catch up or picnic…… When it has hold of me, I am not in control! I am split in two.

I hate it. I want to be socialable, I want to take my kids to their play dates, or family bbqs or friends houses, but sometimes, I just can’t.

I think the main thing people need to know about post natal depression, is that it is a depression. It’s not necessarily child related. It’s not in my case, it has been the trigger to my mind scrambling up, but that’s not Why I’m depressed.

It’s a struggle to understand why I’m feeling like this.

I have visited the doctor again last week and she has told me, unless I change, I won’t get better. Unless I find ME again, I won’t get better. I need to rediscover myself, to get better.

So the question

Who am I now?

The darkness

I didn’t originally start this blog to talk about depression, but as a way to overcome it. My theory was declutter my house, clear my mind, which does work…….

But the darkness does sneak back in.

I have had messages from women, thanking me for sharing my post natal depression experience. I have now decided that I will share all parts of my journey, in the hope to raise awareness and help others like me.

I have been quiet on my blog lately, and that is because my PND showed its head again. This makes me want to close off from everyone and everything. Wasn’t great timing either with the school holidays starting. {preschool finished 2weeks earlier than most schools}. Here I was, with both girls, school holidays, no clubs on and my family away, just feeling like I want to curl into a ball and hide.

It’s been a tough couple of weeks, iv really had to force myself to get out. Just walk to the park or in the woods or just the garden. Being outside helps. Alot! In times like this I know that visiting a friend or my sister will help but its a battle with myself to make me do it. Ridiculous really, but nevertheless, it’s a real emotional battle.

I need to remind myself people will help me out of this fog, and although my innerself is telling me to go crawl back under the duvet, and hide from everyone and everything. This behaviour only makes me feel Worse and the depression gets a stronger grasp on me, making the fight all so much harder. The key is Talk talk and talk some more. Easier said than done, but true!

Floor beds

So iv been at it again. Jumped into another room without finishing the last…. But it couldn’t wait.

Adelyn is coming up 14 months but has recently started getting very unhappy when she is in her cot. She is very independent and is most definitely my little explorer, so being confined is not for her anymore.

Despite being a fab climber and explorer, and having just started walking, I don’t think she Is ready to climb down and out of a bed.

After having adelyn I was looking for ideas to help my eldest feel a bit special as she was my baby and is a real mummy’s girl. I stubble across montessori, and so many of the principles made sense to me. Even the idea of a floorbed. Why cage your baby? If the room is 100‰safe, why not let them explore? They don’t need to cry for someone to get her, she can independently get out of bed and entertain herself.

So for now…. I decided a floor bed makes so much sense. This also means though that my eldest needs to go on the floor too. They share a room, so I can’t let adelyn climb on to Eliza’s bed and fall. So I dismantled both the cot and Eliza’s bed, and had my handy husband cut the legs off the bed. We then put the feet back on and voila! A beautiful floor bed for Eliza. Adelyn is on the base of the cot, just with no sides, and a draught excluder underneath the mattress protector, just so when she is sleeping, she can feel where the bed ends, but she can crawl out of it no problem.

What do you think?

Change is coming…

Hi guys,

Sorry iv been quiet. iv been really busy. I jumped into the “enjoying moments”, and have been leaving my phone behind. It has been fantastic. We are really making the most of our time together. Planning little trips out as a family, rather than worrying about the house all weekend.

The rest of my time I have been making progress In The bedroom. If you follow me on Facebook, you would have seen a little snippet of my cupboard contents, all over my bed and floor. Arrgh! What a mess.

Anyway, I have been clearing out cupboards, organising the space, up cycling the furniture…… I am really getting stuck in. I ofcourse will still be stuck with the hiddious purple carpet for now (any cheap fix it ideas welcome), but the rest of our space will make me smile. Watch this space for the Finishing touches, and final reveal. Eeek!!! I’m getting so excited. Its really beginning to take shape. Horray!!

Closing the lid

This weekend, I closed the lid on the overflowing todo box in my head and have just enjoyed family time.

It is crazy how hard this has been for me to do lately. Since the PND I haven’t wanted to do anything, iv really had to push myself. Being out of the house helps. The clubs and playgroups, i can almost put on an act, a smile and nobody knows.

As soon as I’m in the house my brain tells me to either sit or sleep. It’s strange and….. Depressing haha

Friday Hubby was off work and Eliza has ballet and swimming. We took a picnic with us to her swim class so we could sit in the park after. The girls had a play and then I had taken a bag of crumbs so we could walk home through the woodland park, and feed the ducks on the way home.

We had a movie night Saturday. We let Eliza stay up, watched UP, and had a few little treats. Then today we all went swimming as a family. Eliza loved showing off. Followed by playing in the garden and our Sunday roast. The icing on the cake is Adelyn got up and walked all by herself.

I think it has been so good for my soul. It has taken time and it’s hard to explain. Probably because I can’t give a proper reason, and it may seem silly to anyone that has not suffered postnatal depression but to just relax and enjoy what I was doing is a big thing. It’s isolating. For me, I feel like I shut off. I love my family but sometimes to engage with them seems hard. I hope I’m not judged here. It’s just the effect the condition has had on me and I have been fighting through it and this weekend I won. 💪

Finding time

I have this goal to clear my house by Christmas. I want to kon Marie every room, only keeping what I love. My hope is by the end every item will have a home, that is easy to access so everything can be put away. Does anyone just have thing accumulate around the house?

I tend to get a pile of paperwork build. I hate paperwork. I need a system so as it comes in the house it can be homed. What system do you all use? I’d love some Inspiration.

Getting back to my plan. I started decluttering my wardrobe. All going great, but I have a lot of random thi gs in my room, things that need to be homed, I put in my room because I like the rest of the house tidy. 😂

I made a good dent on my bedroom, lots of bags to charity, cleared away most of my jewelry, because let’s face it, I have kids and never wear it anymore. Started clearing out all from under my ottoman bed.

There is still lots to do, and I’m struggling to find the time, and loose enthusiasm if I can’t get it done and see the results. I’m pretty impatient I guess. Haha please send help!

Food life

Hello… Thankyou for stopping by.

The past few weeks I have been trying to concentrate on getting more organised with my food shop.

I hate this part of my week, trying to think what we may eat so can buy in enough for meals, lunches snacks and not spend a fortune. Eek! Pretty hard work.

I find this really difficult, I like to decide on the day, see how I feel, but this is not practical when it is now my job to organise feeding times for a family.

I do find meal ideas hard though. Does anyone else have this trouble? I tend to stick to the same meals and if I’m honest, we are all pretty bored of spagbol. Haha!

I have now been given a book (pinch of nom) by my mother in law. I spent some time going through, putting little sticky notes on the recipes that I liked the look of and I will try these out. Let me know if you’d like to know which I tried and liked..?

So… I sat down and chose a dish for each day, trying to incorporate same ingredients so I could buy bigger packs which are often more cost effective.

I can’t believe I didn’t do this before. Another stress button slightly eased I now know what iv got, I wrote a little menu to go on the wall and I knew what I was doing everyday.

Also…. Since having children, I swear by ordering shopping delivery. If I go in the shop I come out with ramdom bits, usually bad choices and spend far far far too much money. Online grocery shopping keeps me on budget. Which keeps the hubby happy…. And his wallet. Haha

Sun’s out— let’s garden

The sun has got his hat on, hip hip hip horary!!! About time!!!

It is boiling! So I am staying inside 😂

How many can relate to this? We crave the sun, but in reality with a baby…. It is too hot. If we’re lucky An hour in the morning and again in the afternoon and that’s it to be truthful. I do however have my patio doors wide open, the windows open and it feels lovely. The air is blowing through and with massive window at one end of my living room and the patio the other, it feels outdoorsy.

We do tend to have dinner outside when the weather is like this, it’s just starting to cool and we get a nice family play outside after. Tonight we did some gardening.

I am craving a beautiful garden. Another area up in my head has that circling everytime the sun shines haha I’d like the eating area to be cute with a feature on the wall and string lights hanging above. The kids area to be awesome and colourful and then an area that is a garden, not just grass…. That is the dream.

The garden is quite high on my list. It’s such a necessity with the girls. I think being outside really boosts my mood, even just having the doors open. No TV, just pottering about, listening to swaying trees and the birds.

My goodness… I am getting old.