myclutteredmind.co.uk

Today I wanted to talk about an observation. I have had these feelings, I have hidden these feelings, I have faked the smile and carried on with these feelings, but I have realised, I am not alone.

The more I talk about my troubles, the more research I do and forums I visit, it is evident, everyone is going through something. Usually the same fears or thoughts but different triggers and situations.

I was recently talking to a friend about an article she had read about turning 30. It was saying that this generation seems to have the most issues when they hit 30. Maybe it’s due to the influence of social media? We are the most connected we have ever been yet lack the skills to communicate with one another. It’s a lonely place. (que, early mid-life crisis?)

I think growing up, there was this thing, that by the time you were 30 you should have it all figured out, and then at the time of turning 30 you question where you are at, the decisions you have made, anything you should have done, should have or vice versa.

As I say, we all have diffent triggers, your age may not be yours. It wasn’t mine. Still, I suddenly was hit by a metaphorical truck of suppressed thoughts and feelings, and was forced to sift through and make life changing decisions. There was a lot of realisation as to how far I had come in neutral and had not really been emotionally conscious of my decisions. This was not OK. I did not want to carry on like this. I was unhappy. I had not realised it before, but this was the truth. So now fear – what do I do now? What will people think?

Major realisation for me….. I like to keep people happy and so don’t always make the best decisions for myself. The fear of them not agreeing with my decision. keep calm, and carry on had never made so much sense to me (carry on in neutral) BUT this is my life!!

January is slowly passing, and I am feeling positive.

Best decision to try a new class this year. Pilates has definitely helped me. Not only to feel better in my body, but mind aswell. I have one class per week but have taken on doing a mini version a couple extra mornings in the week, to stretch out my body and clear my head. Would recommend to everyone.

As for other hobbies, iv not yet begun. I still really want to do some sort of photography but need a few items to get me on my way. So…. Shopping list created.

But also, taking I spiration from my bestie over at Findlay family, I’m going to alphabet date… Myself.

I’m creating a list of things to do, that iv never done or want to try and have this year to work my way through. Positive vibes!! This year is for loving me and finding me. Good luck on your 2020 journey ?

So the first week of January has come and gone, the Christmas tree is out on the street for the bin man, and the house is beginning to look respectable again. (aside of the work still to be done)

For this year, I have decided to spend more time focusing on me. I don’t mean hair nails and silly luxurious treats. I mean my well being, my mental health. So first on my list is hobbies.

I am going to take up pilates and photography.(if I can get a camera)

One of these for my body the other for my mind and creativity.

Will keep you updated how this goes ofcourse. I have had my first pilates class already, and I must say…… Was really enjoyable. After only just one class my body feels lighter and I felt energised. I’m feeling positive.

I am definitely on the right path ?

So this year…. Has not been the best for me. Tonight…. I am sat here feeling pretty crappy. I am sure a lot of the people are the same, probably worse, but I am reflecting on me. I need to be a little selfish here……. Sorry!

It has been an up hill battle, most days. Its been hard to not be able to explain well enough to the people around me how iv felt. Its been hard to not be able to act on my thoughts…. Because, I don’t know what I want. Its been hard to just get on with my day to day. I have felt tapped and isolated and lost. Then to feel like I may getting somewhere… To have everything fall apart again. Ce la vie

At the end of 2019, I don’t know who I am anymore, so how can I know what I want?!

This new year I will act. I will let my heart and feelings guide me. I won’t over think every tiny thing. I’ll enjoy the moments, they are what is real.

I won’t care what people will think or what they will say. I will just let ME out. Let me find myself, love myself and improve myself.

Everyone’s goal…. To Live you’re best life.

So I want to do that, not fake it! I want to do it!

2020….. Please be kind to me.

Happy new year to you all. I hope you all find what you are looking for ??

So lately i have been super busy. I do this a lot to myself. Possibly a coping mechanism for when I am overwhelmed with negative feelings, I throw myself into a new project. Keep busy, it will all go away, mentality, I’m sure. Nether the less, I moved house, I moved areas, county even. I have moved back home.

I had recently been visiting a Councillor, and she had said that making a life changing decision, now, was not a great idea. The problem with that, is that this idea had already been in my head, plans were happening, but I kept discussing it all like it wasn’t final. Nothing is, you see. Although the decision was made, I agonised over it for weeks. Making the plans, but questioning them too. This is a massive move. It needed to be thought about from all angles.

Thankfully, I’m glad I did. The situation may not be perfect, but I am where I want to be. Coming back to my roots has made a massive difference for me. I think being mum can trap you, so being near family is perfect. I have more freedom to “pop out” in the evening. I can feel changes, and I feel happy.

Recently we had mental awareness week, which I think is great. It is very important to educate people who do not suffer that there are people who do and it is not always visable, but it is there, and its OK.

I’m not sure if I’m alone when I say…. It Bull#@£#!

What this means is… It is OK that you don’t feel ok. It is OK that you are suffering, it is OK to get help…

But not okay to talk about it to anyone ?

For myself, I know I’m suffering, I know I need help, and I know it will get better… Eventually. That’s OK.

But when I try to talk about how I feel with people around me, family or friends, it not OK. In my mind the more people know, the more they will understand me and accept that somedays I need to be alone, or I am not myself. This is so wrong! The more I have tried to explain what’s going on in my head, the more the people around me have tried to advise me……

• Just snap out of it
• Try harder
• Stop making excuses
• Don’t you think we’ve all been there
• It is hard having children
• Just get out
• Just go make more friends
• You shouldn’t be leaving your kids

Thankyou… But honestly, do you think you’re helping?

Judging me (not advising) is not helpful.

Im just trying to survive, I am just trying to find moments of peace. It is an illness, I am not in control. I CANNOT JUST STOP IT.

So to everyone that isn’t OK. It is OK to feel this way, but choose who you talk to. Not everyone needs to know or understand. Seek a Councillor or your doctor or that one supportive friend.

Not everyone will get it, But it’s OK.

You will be OK xx

I have missed quite a few weeks of blogs lately. I am sorry. The reasons being, it was school holidays and my mood being at an all time low. (bad timing).

I realise why I have this depression now. My mind does not always agree with my life. Similar to a duck, he looks peacefully swimming on the lake, but how hard is he really paddling under there….?

This is me! I look like I’m cruising through life, happy as Larry, but really my legs are paddling 100mph, and I just don’t seem to get very far ?

I’m a go do-er and the life of mum sometimes isn’t enough. It’s hard to ‘just‘ be mum. That term as well….. ‘just’ a mum. It isn’t a…. all I do is be a mum as a comparison to others. (assumed by most big career people) It’s a iv lost myself and I am now ‘just’ a mum. A description of ourselves. Does anyone realise that this term means, I’m never alone for a second 24hr 7days a week? Toilet-no! Shower-no! Sleep-no! I do Nothing alone. As mums, We are responsible for these little people, they are our world, all that matters. So I’m no longer Becky, I’m JUST mum, to my two beautiful girls. (and its blooming hard work) ?

My mind is not always happy about this realisation. It tells me to build something, create something achieve something new….change a room, upcyle furniture, learn a new skill…. But there is no time. My little people need ALL my time. I’m stuck with this constant pull in both directions…

So…. How can I just accept this? What will help? This is my next step. I need a balance. I need to let a little more Becky out, not ‘just‘ mum.

Why is motherhood one big roller-coaster of guilt? And we hide it all. All of it swallowing us up inside.

It’s often talked about. “mum guilt”, usually for leaving our children with anyone else (even their dad) , or wanting time to ourselves.

Why?!

This is horrible. This is my main catalyst of depression. I would like time to myself. GUILT. For not wanting to be with my children. Is it bad?

Spend the day, just playing with the children. GUILT. I should have done the laundry, cleaning and shopping and have dinner ready.

I get time to my self. GUILT . I should be cleaning or organising or cooking if I don’t have them. All I actually want to do is lounge on the sofa and watch crap on TV.

I arrange a girls night out. GUILT . Is my husband OK, the two girls are hard work, he doesn’t like being left with both of them.

Date night. GUILT . We’d better hurry home, it’s not fair on the sitter (grandparents or whoever) they are not their children… Blah blah blah

Why do i feel this way? It’s exhausting. Everyone deserves a balance right? Life should be a mix of work, play and family life. Yet I can’t get past this feeling. Everything I do, I feel GUILT .

Why can’t I just Relax??