myclutteredmind.co.uk

Oh my goodness. Where has the time gone?! I cannot believe its been so long since I last posted on here. I am truly sorry. I promise I am going to get back to my regular blogging.

I started this blog to talk out some of what goes on in my head, (always chaos up there, haha) in the hope my stress, troubles experience would help others.

My mind is a constant stream of thoughts, and not always related. I jump from life problems, to relationships to home decorating dilemas and back again. I’m sure I’m not alone.

This year has been crazy! I’m sure I’m not the only one who started this year with the thought-“this year, I am going to do what makes ME happy! This will be my year…” Boy were we wrong huh! Who would have predicted a global pandemic to put all our world on pause.

I do think however, within the lockdown, throughout the distancing from everyone we care about, we have all had a major reality check. I know I took so much for granted BC (before covid) .

I have a massive family. Mum, Dad, Brothers, sisters, neices, nephews, cousin, aunts and uncles…….and friends,Who I rarely see. Now I can’t see!

If I really think about the amount of lives that have been taken by covid, and how many people who have missed out on final goodbyes because of covid, my heart truly aches. I myself lost a family friend to cancer during lockdown, and none of us could see her. The regret of times I hadn’t made more effort will haunt me.

……. So when all this is done, when we have a vaccine, and normal life can resume. I for one will not be taking anyone for granted. My new ambition is to show everyone in my life how much I care and treasure them.

2021….. My year to show love.

Thanks for reading,

Love B xx

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I would touch on the subject of dating Apps. These things are getting a bed rep if I’m honest. There seem to be few on them using them for their intended purpose… (finding love) they are to find a hook up. Which I personally find hilarious, as most girls I know, are using apps because all the guys they meet “out out” just want a one nighter too. So what do we need to do?…….. Be honest! That’s what! And I am talking with yourself, and then stay true to that. What is it you want from this app??

So before I get into my experience, I want to address the haters who think jumping from relationship to dating apps it wrong. This is ofcourse true for a lot of people. (unless you want to use for rebound…. No judgement!) I believe if you are using the apps to find a relationship, you need to be in the right place for that. I had been unhappy a while, hiding it quite well too, so a lot of my friends and family may be shocked I jumped straight into dating.

Part of my journey during my depression was realising what I wanted. I wanted to find love, yes, and the person that I felt completely connected to, that doted on me as much as I them, and feel the passion for someone I never had before. So I was ready to start looking straight away. What I had at the moment was a friendship. I need more.

So briefly…… My apps of choice were the infamous tinder and bumble. These are what everyone is talking about so why not start there. I had some interesting conversations. Some men are very direct and know exactly what they want and are not afraid to ask for it. (good for you btw) but if it wasn’t for me, I said! There is no point just messaging just for the attention. Also, don’t be so desperate for “someone” that you agree to dates for the hell of it. Know what you want, stay true to it and keep looking until you find it.

I think iv said enough for today, maybe I’ll go into more examples next time. ? (message me your experience)

But my point is, don’t bend on what your looking for. Don’t go “casual” if it not what you want. Good luck!

Let’s talk setup. What happens if a relationship breaks down, and you have a mortgage, and two children, you’re a stay home mum……. What would you do?

I think for a lot of people, they will look at us and ask “… So what’s the plan?”. It’s unusual, yes, but we have an unusual situation. We are friends!
I know, I know, shocking!

In our relationship, we had drifted apart. We no longer had a romantic love connection, but being friends has never been a problem for us. So our current plan is to live together and raise our girls. We have separate rooms and have separated some days to spend with the kids but we share our home and chores and parenting.

Yes, it will not be forever. For now, this works. We both get to see our girls everyday, we both get time to socialise and our children are safe and happy. Win win.

There is no size fits all. Be free to do things your own way to suit yourselves.

I worry that society has imprinted this scenario that no matter what mums have the kids. So if the relationship breaks down, we should just pack up and leave with them.  What if you have no where to go? Should we stay and pretend we are a happy family to the outside for the kids? Should we leave our kids with their dad and leave the unhappy home? There are other options and it is down to the individuals to decide. Not society or nosey Jane from down the street.

Something that has struck me since my separation, is how some people….. Hide it.

I find this really unsettling. This decision is something I myself have battled with for 12months. I have been in turmoil with the idea. I was worried about my children, my family, his family…. How will they take the news. I also had no real idea if he was on the same page as me. I suppressed and suppressed my feelings. I tried to put the thought out of my head. I tried to tell myself I was in a bad place and that it would get better……. But it didn’t.This life decision is mine. Not anyone else’s. Its how I feel that matters.
You cannot live your life worrying about how you may upset other people, if you are unhappy. You deserve to be living your life full of happiness. It’s a huge change, yes, but if it’s right for you, it must be done. Anyone going through anything similar, be brave. Deep down I knew! I knew what was making me unhappy, as much as I didn’t want to say, and nobody wanted to listen. I knew!
The moment I accepted my feeling and said it out loud, a cloud lifted away from me, I could see light. I knew this was the right path. I am lucky that me and my ex are friends that is something we have always been and I think our connection is a deep friendship. This is what will help us work together for our children and in time I hope that we can be happy for each other when we find people that complete the other half of our lives. …… But for now…
It is not a secret, I am not ashamed. We gave it our all and had 12 years together. Yes, we had not long been married, but would I be getting the same reaction if we had married after 4 years together?! We’d have been married 8years then…….?… Silly!
Judgement of others is not going to get me down again. I know why there is a fear of judgement from our families, but at the end of the day, whos business is it? OURS!
I am moving forward and feeling happy.  Time to take control. Its my life after all.

So…… Let’s talk relationships.
If you are among those who suffer with some form of depression, anxiety etc, you may have noticed…… It kinda takes its toll on your current relationships.

This is something I have actually avoided writing about, as it’s private, and wasn’t public knowledge within our family and friends circle.

I feel its something that will happen to a lot of other people…… And also stemmed  my other posts. (mum gulit and judgement).

Lets begin….. During my pregnancy I was quite poorly, and I think my partner felt…. Powerless. He didn’t know how to help, or what to do or say, so he took over as much as he could with the house chores, and taking care of our eldest daughter. (was fantastic) but this left a hole where we didn’t see each other, because I was always in bed, and he didn’t talk to me because he just didn’t know what to say, because words couldn’t help ??‍♀️ (I’m guessing)
So this hole grew and grew.

Roll forward…….
Im mum of two girls, stay at home mum, with a not so strong partnership with my other half.
I think for a lot of couples this can be fixed. By Seeking help from doctors, friends and family, because although some issues are medical, a lot of the problems may require time together. (super easy with 2 tiny people in the house)

Unfortunately for us, this part of our lives changed both of us a lot, and we’re different people on the other side.

Remember there is no such thing as normal. It is your life, it can look however you want it to. Try to ignore the judgement from others, and find a path that suits your family. It’s not always perfect, but for us, our unusual set up works, and the kids are happy. Which at the end of the day is what is important ?

*Stay tuned for the Next posts…. My new situation opens up research into the world of online dating ? and parental set ups ?

In this world everyone has the right to judge you, or do they? Why do we give other people the power to have even a slither of control in what we do with our lives?

I have come to realise a lot of people live unhappy because “what would they think”, or “what would they say” is the norm.

Who actually cares!! I know we all do a little… But we really need to hit a point where we realise if you live like that, will you ever be happy?

It’s time to be brave and to take control. What other people think doesn’t matter. They see what you show them. Let’s face it, people only see the pretty shop window of you, so really should be not be given an opinion. You could be in the darkest time of your life but walk around with a smile on your face, so the people you see (and listen to) have a false sense of your life.

Be honest with yourself and then with others. Life is short, don’t waste it trying to appease others. So go it alone with your choices.