Category: Uncategorized

So lately i have been super busy. I do this a lot to myself. Possibly a coping mechanism for when I am overwhelmed with negative feelings, I throw myself into a new project. Keep busy, it will all go away, mentality, I’m sure. Nether the less, I moved house, I moved areas, county even. I have moved back home.

I had recently been visiting a Councillor, and she had said that making a life changing decision, now, was not a great idea. The problem with that, is that this idea had already been in my head, plans were happening, but I kept discussing it all like it wasn’t final. Nothing is, you see. Although the decision was made, I agonised over it for weeks. Making the plans, but questioning them too. This is a massive move. It needed to be thought about from all angles.

Thankfully, I’m glad I did. The situation may not be perfect, but I am where I want to be. Coming back to my roots has made a massive difference for me. I think being mum can trap you, so being near family is perfect. I have more freedom to “pop out” in the evening. I can feel changes, and I feel happy.

Recently we had mental awareness week, which I think is great. It is very important to educate people who do not suffer that there are people who do and it is not always visable, but it is there, and its OK.

I’m not sure if I’m alone when I say…. It Bull#@£#!

What this means is… It is OK that you don’t feel ok. It is OK that you are suffering, it is OK to get help…

But not okay to talk about it to anyone ?

For myself, I know I’m suffering, I know I need help, and I know it will get better… Eventually. That’s OK.

But when I try to talk about how I feel with people around me, family or friends, it not OK. In my mind the more people know, the more they will understand me and accept that somedays I need to be alone, or I am not myself. This is so wrong! The more I have tried to explain what’s going on in my head, the more the people around me have tried to advise me……

• Just snap out of it
• Try harder
• Stop making excuses
• Don’t you think we’ve all been there
• It is hard having children
• Just get out
• Just go make more friends
• You shouldn’t be leaving your kids

Thankyou… But honestly, do you think you’re helping?

Judging me (not advising) is not helpful.

Im just trying to survive, I am just trying to find moments of peace. It is an illness, I am not in control. I CANNOT JUST STOP IT.

So to everyone that isn’t OK. It is OK to feel this way, but choose who you talk to. Not everyone needs to know or understand. Seek a Councillor or your doctor or that one supportive friend.

Not everyone will get it, But it’s OK.

You will be OK xx

I have missed quite a few weeks of blogs lately. I am sorry. The reasons being, it was school holidays and my mood being at an all time low. (bad timing).

I realise why I have this depression now. My mind does not always agree with my life. Similar to a duck, he looks peacefully swimming on the lake, but how hard is he really paddling under there….?

This is me! I look like I’m cruising through life, happy as Larry, but really my legs are paddling 100mph, and I just don’t seem to get very far ?

I’m a go do-er and the life of mum sometimes isn’t enough. It’s hard to ‘just‘ be mum. That term as well….. ‘just’ a mum. It isn’t a…. all I do is be a mum as a comparison to others. (assumed by most big career people) It’s a iv lost myself and I am now ‘just’ a mum. A description of ourselves. Does anyone realise that this term means, I’m never alone for a second 24hr 7days a week? Toilet-no! Shower-no! Sleep-no! I do Nothing alone. As mums, We are responsible for these little people, they are our world, all that matters. So I’m no longer Becky, I’m JUST mum, to my two beautiful girls. (and its blooming hard work) ?

My mind is not always happy about this realisation. It tells me to build something, create something achieve something new….change a room, upcyle furniture, learn a new skill…. But there is no time. My little people need ALL my time. I’m stuck with this constant pull in both directions…

So…. How can I just accept this? What will help? This is my next step. I need a balance. I need to let a little more Becky out, not ‘just‘ mum.

Why is motherhood one big roller-coaster of guilt? And we hide it all. All of it swallowing us up inside.

It’s often talked about. “mum guilt”, usually for leaving our children with anyone else (even their dad) , or wanting time to ourselves.

Why?!

This is horrible. This is my main catalyst of depression. I would like time to myself. GUILT. For not wanting to be with my children. Is it bad?

Spend the day, just playing with the children. GUILT. I should have done the laundry, cleaning and shopping and have dinner ready.

I get time to my self. GUILT . I should be cleaning or organising or cooking if I don’t have them. All I actually want to do is lounge on the sofa and watch crap on TV.

I arrange a girls night out. GUILT . Is my husband OK, the two girls are hard work, he doesn’t like being left with both of them.

Date night. GUILT . We’d better hurry home, it’s not fair on the sitter (grandparents or whoever) they are not their children… Blah blah blah

Why do i feel this way? It’s exhausting. Everyone deserves a balance right? Life should be a mix of work, play and family life. Yet I can’t get past this feeling. Everything I do, I feel GUILT .

Why can’t I just Relax??

Hello… Thankyou for stopping by.

The past few weeks I have been trying to concentrate on getting more organised with my food shop.

I hate this part of my week, trying to think what we may eat so can buy in enough for meals, lunches snacks and not spend a fortune. Eek! Pretty hard work.

I find this really difficult, I like to decide on the day, see how I feel, but this is not practical when it is now my job to organise feeding times for a family.

I do find meal ideas hard though. Does anyone else have this trouble? I tend to stick to the same meals and if I’m honest, we are all pretty bored of spagbol. Haha!

I have now been given a book (pinch of nom) by my mother in law. I spent some time going through, putting little sticky notes on the recipes that I liked the look of and I will try these out. Let me know if you’d like to know which I tried and liked..?

So… I sat down and chose a dish for each day, trying to incorporate same ingredients so I could buy bigger packs which are often more cost effective.

I can’t believe I didn’t do this before. Another stress button slightly eased I now know what iv got, I wrote a little menu to go on the wall and I knew what I was doing everyday.

Also…. Since having children, I swear by ordering shopping delivery. If I go in the shop I come out with ramdom bits, usually bad choices and spend far far far too much money. Online grocery shopping keeps me on budget. Which keeps the hubby happy…. And his wallet. Haha

The sun has got his hat on, hip hip hip horary!!! About time!!!

It is boiling! So I am staying inside ?

How many can relate to this? We crave the sun, but in reality with a baby…. It is too hot. If we’re lucky An hour in the morning and again in the afternoon and that’s it to be truthful. I do however have my patio doors wide open, the windows open and it feels lovely. The air is blowing through and with massive window at one end of my living room and the patio the other, it feels outdoorsy.

We do tend to have dinner outside when the weather is like this, it’s just starting to cool and we get a nice family play outside after. Tonight we did some gardening.

I am craving a beautiful garden. Another area up in my head has that circling everytime the sun shines haha I’d like the eating area to be cute with a feature on the wall and string lights hanging above. The kids area to be awesome and colourful and then an area that is a garden, not just grass…. That is the dream.

The garden is quite high on my list. It’s such a necessity with the girls. I think being outside really boosts my mood, even just having the doors open. No TV, just pottering about, listening to swaying trees and the birds.

My goodness… I am getting old.

Heyyyy So in true Becky form, my mind has now jumped to viewing the whole room rather than just concentrating on my wardrobe.My problem with my bedroom is that we have purple carpet. This was here when we moved in, I hate it but can’t afford to switch it rights now. Even if we could we have a blooming heavy ottoman bed which I doubt the carpet fitters would be too enthusiastic about working around.What can I do with this? I have tried to stick to a grey white and blush colour palette thinking this doesn’t completely clash with the carpet… It’s OK! The next problem is my curtains. Iv lent some from my mum for now as again… Curtains can be expensive and I want to get the ‘right’ ones for the room.The next problem is there are fitted wardrobes, again Inherited from the previous owners. They are grey and oddly fitted and to me, just make the room feel dark. Obviously handy, but just annoying. We can barley get the doors open as they then touch the bed, so awkward.You see how my mind works? I try to fix one problem which then gets me thinking about something else which is a decision, That cannot be made until something else has been changed.My endless battle with myself, in my head, never getting anywhere. I go to bed thinking about all these annoying things, and in the morning, I look around……. And my mind does it all over again. I need help. I need someone to focus me. I’m hoping you all reading will help.Tomorrow is another day. What should be the days area to target???Your thoughts welcome ☺️night-night.Love BXX

This is where I’m going to start with clearing out my house. I feel it will be easiest place as anything I don’t like can go to charity.

My Target is to have a minamilism journey. I’ll be honest I did clear a lot out before I decided to do this blog.

I first took out all of my normal daytime clothes, transfered these onto my hanging rail and left all my occasional wear in my warobe.

Then I went through and anything I immediately hated went in the charity bag. Then anything in the ‘i cant remember the last time I had worn it’ Catagory came out. I went through each item sorting into ‘yes’ and ‘no’ piles.

This cleared a lot.

I then went through my jeans. Got rid of any that didn’t fit anymore. My shape changed so much after children, it was hard parting with things I felt I hadn’t had long, but the fit was awful, so they needed to go.

I then folded them all KonMarie style and filed them into a draw. This was so much better than the shelf in the bottom of my dark awkward wardrobe.

Next up was my underwear, and pj’s. I seriously have no idea how I had accumulated so many. Haha I got myself some draw organisers and sorted them into sections. I actually only kept my black or white underwear and chucked the rest. The same with pj’s. I had so many thick wintery sets that I never wore but had been presents. Time to say goodbye and I kept just 4 sets of my fave and most comfortable fitting pj’s.

Now I have sorted through and minamalised what I have I have layed out my new wardrobe area how I would like it. I have a hanging rail and some shelves up the side and two draws. My aim to to only have this space as a ‘Capsule Wardrobe’. I am so excited. Its not done and perfect yet, so excuse the excess mess, (that’s mid sort through) but it is taking shape and already it has made me feel so much happier, and encourages me to dress better each day.

Watch this space for the finished space……